Mom Guilt and How to Fight It

I was the perfect mom—before I had kids. I thought I had everything all figured out, and it was going to be great. Fast forward nine months, and I realized how wrong I was. Many friends and family members called and offered to bring over a meal while I adjusted to being a new mom. At first, I declined their offers, letting them know that I had everything under control. But as the days went by, the laundry pile got higher and higher, the refrigerator got emptier and emptier, and my patience with my colicky daughter grew thinner and thinner.

I needed help, and things were not going well. I felt that I had failed at being a mom. That was the first time I can remember being crippled by mom guilt. The reason mom guilt can be so hard to fight is that it looks and sounds different depending on the situation or season. But the reactions are always the same. We feel discouraged, hurt, and frustrated as we walk away.

We often feel mom guilt for a variety of reasons. Most often, I believe we feel mom guilt because we believe a lie, have misplaced our identity, or are experiencing conviction from the Holy Spirit. When we can figure out why we are experiencing the guilt, it becomes easier for us to become unburdened from it.

Believing Lies

We often believe the lie that we shouldn’t need help. This can cause us to feel mom guilt in a couple of ways. We either feel guilty for accepting help because it makes us feel like a failure, or we feel guilty for saying yes and letting those helping us see our (perceived) failures. Either way, we feel ashamed and conclude that we are bad moms.

The truth is that it is natural and good to recognize our need for help. Accepting help is actually a reflection of the gospel. At the center of the gospel is the truth that all humans need help. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) We can replace the lie of thinking we don’t need help with the truth that all people need help.

Needing help doesn’t make us bad moms. Rather, it can remind us how “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) By acknowledging that we need help, we can be reminded that in our deepest, darkest hours, God is there, ready to help us. In a very practical way, he often helps us through the hands and feet of our friends and family members. Recognizing these lies allows us to embrace the truth and release unnecessary guilt.

Misplaced Identity

Beyond the lies we believe, our misplaced identity can also lead to feelings of guilt. This can happen when we place our identity in motherhood rather than in God. As Christians, our identity and worth are not determined by what we do but by who God says we are. God tells us that “[we] are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.” (1 Peter 2:9)

God loves us not because we have done something to deserve it, but simply because He has chosen to. (Ephesians 1:4-6) This means that we do not have to try to prove to God that we were worth saving by being a great mom. Of course, God desires that we love our children and wants us to teach them about his goodness and the salvation he offers. But our motive to do these things cannot be to earn favor with God but should be done out of love for Him and gratitude for all he has done for us.

While motherhood is a gift from God, we cannot treat motherhood like it is our god. Our identity is first and foremost based on who God says we are, not on what we do. When we place too much emphasis on being a mom and not enough on being a follower of God, mom guilt can rear its ugly head.

Conviction from the Holy Spirit

When our identity is misplaced, we might find ourselves acting out of pride, insecurity, or fear, rather than from a place of faith and trust in God. This is where the Holy Spirit steps in. The Holy Spirit gently and lovingly convicts us, reminding us of our true identity in Christ and guiding us to align our hearts with God’s truth.

Sometimes, the mom guilt we experience is actually the Holy Spirit revealing areas in our lives where we need to shift our focus back to God. The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit was sent to “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.” (John 16:8) This conviction is not meant to condemn us but to draw us closer to God.

We can respond by turning back to God, confessing our need for his guidance, and trusting in his forgiveness. In doing so, we move from guilt to grace, finding freedom in the truth of the gospel. Seeing our sin, we can come to God, knowing that when we ask for forgiveness, he will give it.

When we do this, our sins are forgiven. Jesus has paid for them on the cross and bore the full punishment of what we deserved, leaving none for us to carry. We can remind ourself that “As far as the east is from the west, so far does [God] remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)

As Christian moms, we can have freedom from the mom guilt or the condemnation we feel by reminding ourselves of the gospel. When God forgives our sins, we are truly free. We can live our lives sharing and teaching our children about the goodness of the Lord, feeling unburdened from guilt through the gospel of Jesus Christ.